Thanx everyone and I totally see what I need to do - this really isn't a story its just a rough draft for one, I guess Im' looking into the character.
z
Oh God, why today of all days?!
That damn Mary Rose had to drop in on the day I didn't want to see her the most. Eric Briggs and I were alone in my room and I knew what was going to happen. It was about time my Vcard was stamped - everything was right ,we had candles and music and smokes and white lightining. All of a sudden Mary Rose - that she devil bitch--popped up from the bottom of my favorite black undies. So instead of getting it on with the techno geek I was subjected to blowing his joystick(which he didn't mind). It sucked anyway - no pun intended he came within five mintues of foreplay - so that means he would finsih before anything would have happened anyway. By the time my mom and dad got back from church Eric was half way down the street and I sat in my rooom completely disappointed and on my rag.
My mom says she's sending me back to church. I don't even know what the big deal is; ok we were sitting at the table and my dad was tearing me a new one because I got detention for moaning in class. So I started moaning at the table and pretended I was posessed. Needless to say I got a mouth full of blood for that one and cross welts on my back.
Thanx everyone and I totally see what I need to do - this really isn't a story its just a rough draft for one, I guess Im' looking into the character.
I. NITPICKS
Black Doe wrote:Oh God, why today of all days?!That damned Mary Rose had to drop in on the day I didn't want to see her the most. Eric Briggs and I were alone in my room and I knew what was going to happen. It was about time my V-card was stamped - everything was right ,we had candles, music, smokes and white lighting. All of a sudden Mary Rose - that she-devil bitch--popped up from the bottom of my favorite black undies. So instead of getting it on with the techno geek I was subjected to blowing his joystick(which he didn't mind). It sucked anyway - no pun intended - he came within five minutes of foreplay - so that means he would finish before anything would have happened anyway. By the time my mom and dad got back from church, Eric was half way down the street and I sat in my room completely disappointed and on my rag.
My mom says she's sending me back to church. I don't even know what the big deal is; OK, we were sitting at the table and my dad was tearing me a new one because I got detention for moaning in class. So I started moaning at the table and pretended I was possessed. Needless to say I got a mouth full of blood for that one and cross welts on my back.
I'm assuming I know what this is about. But being a dude, I'm not that up to hype on that sorta thing. I wouldn't use "Mary Rose" so much, give us a little more of a hint than the black undies thing.
A few easy grammar mistakes that the above poster got, should try to weed those out before posting next time.
The last paragraph seems kind of random. I would either clean it up and shorten it, or lengthen it and edit/repost it.
Hey! Enjoying YWS?
I would just like to point out first the we do ask you to do two reviews for every submission you make, please correct this
Anyway:
Oh God, why today of all days?!
I didn't want to see her the most.
room, and I knew what was going to happen.
everything was right ,we had candles and music and smokes and white lightining. All of a sudden Mary Rose
she devil
- that she devil bitch--popped
All of a sudden Mary Rose - that she devil bitch--popped up from the bottom of my favorite black undies.
joystick(which
finsih
no pun intended he
rooom
ok
Needless to say I got a mouth full of blood for that one and cross welts on my back.
Points: 300
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